An archive of random emails that make it into your mailbox, and often make you wince or smile.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
relationship between god and humans
Don't miss even a single word…. It's Too good
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem
science has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and…..
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes..
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal
him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God
didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From….God…
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Tell me, son…Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God?
Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science
says your GOD doesn't exist.
What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture the after becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat..
But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below
zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There
is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the
absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy Cold is not
the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it .
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright
light, flashing light…..But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness
isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't
you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can
measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.. It uses
electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be
ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is
not the opposite of life: just the absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor.Do you teach your students that they evolved
from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor,
are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a
preacher? (The class is in uproar.)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain,sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it sir… The link between man & god is FAITH . That is
all that keeps things moving & alive.
I believe you have enjoyed the conversation…and if so…you'll probably
want your friends/colleagues to enjoy the same…won't you?….this is a
true story, and the
student was none other than …….
APJ Abdul Kalam, the former President of India
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Yanna rascala illusion
Shake your head really fast looking at this picture! Amazing illusion!!
OR
Watch from a distance…
Who is this?
Monday, September 26, 2011
[joke] Why Mahatma Gandhi walked on foot?
an award scheme… During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on
learning about the situation in India:
He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many
children he had during his time on earth. Nehru replied… only one!
Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded
Nehru with a Celestial Rolls Royce!
Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied
she had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a
BMW.
Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that
he had six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment…
Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) going
around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!! Wondering what
went wrong; they asked why God hadn't been merciful with him…
The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some
idiots had told him that I am the father of the nation!"
Monday, September 19, 2011
Undress women with photoshop [tutorial]
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
[joke] The Indian and the American
"Coffee,croissants,toast,butter,jam etc. While an American,chewing a
gum,sat next 2 him n started an unwanted conversation..
American: You indians eat the whole bread?
Indian: Of course!
American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we dont. We, americans only
eat what's inside. We collect the crust in a container,recycle,make
these in 2 croissants and sell these to indians!
American: Do u eat jam with bread?
Indian: of course!
American: (Chuckling n crackling his gum between his teeth) we dont.
We eat fruits for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers
into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to indians.!
Indian: Do u have sex in America?
American: Of course, we do!
Indian: Wht do u do with the used condoms?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We dont. In india we put them into containers, recycle them,
turn it into chewing gums and sell them to the Americans.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Bhojpuri version of some blockbuster movie titles
THREE IDIOTS - "तीन ठो बुड़बक"
GHAJINI - "टकला के बदला"
GLADIATOR - "पहलवान"
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - "बकरियां बोलत नाही"
BLACK HAWK DOWN - "काली चिड़िया मर गईल"
KUNG FU PANDA - "कुंगफू पाण्डे"
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - "ई न हो पाई बबुआ"
MI 2 - "हम फिर कहत रहीं...ई न हो पाई बबुआ"
MI 3 - "अबे कितनी बारी कहे बे, इ नाही हो सकत"
What will they call MI 4??
"अरे भाई हुम थक चुके है, सम्झा करो! इ नाही हो सकत"
Sorry for bad translation! :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
[joke] If you catch me, you can have me :-)
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he
ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But
desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound
weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and
when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off
after her. A few miles later, Huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the
next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promsed.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after
her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and
wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost
another 20 lbs.as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years". The next day there's a knock at the
door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing here
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Alzheimers Test
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Active Voice Aur Passive Voice
Student, "Active Voice: तेरे मस्त मस्त नैन मेरे दिलका ले गए चैन |
Passive Voice: मेरे दिलका ले चैन तेरे मस्त मस्त नैन |"
Monday, May 30, 2011
[joke] Confucious says
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
[joke] 3 men in Prison - A Rapist, A Psycho & A Gay
Psycho: Oh, Yeah! And once it's dead I will f**k it till I die!
Gay guy standing in the Corner softly says: Meeooww!
Wal Mart applicant revealed: old people rock
If you really want to know if the old man got the job :)
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdonald.asp
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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Why Americans hate Indians?
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:? 'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
Here's the same joke with Japanese, Mexicans and little Johnny (Native Red Indian) instead of poor Chandrashekhar.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
[Joke] Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange & blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find dad staring at him every time. ;
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Interesting jokes from Bollywood
After marriage, lots of students gather at their home why?
Because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (Vidyapeeth)
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Rahul Gandhi, "Mom, because of you I'm not able to get married."
Sonia Gandhi replied, "Why son?"
Rahul Gandhi replied, "Everywhere its written 'Sonia ko bahumat do'."
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Bruce Lee was a great man
But after his sister gave birth to a baby he became an ordinary man why?
Because he became Mamu Lee! This in Hindi means ordinary.
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Santa and Banta r discussing
Santa, "If I drink coffee, I can't sleep!"
Banta, "with me it's the opposite. If I sleep I can't drink coffee."
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One day Ravan went to a disco. There he fainted.
Why?
Because it was written on the gate that "entry fee Rs.1500 per head"
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Who made Ganesh to Anesh?
"KAILASH KHER"
Why?
Tere naam se "G " loon.
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If a CAT crosses your way,
When you go somewhere,
Then what does it mean?
It means that the Cat is also going somewhere.
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AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE
Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"
And
Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"
Because Indian wives call their husband "A g" (Scientific Symbol for
Silver) while American wives call their husband "A u" (Scientific
Symbol for Gold)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Spell checking morons on Facebook.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Animator Vs. Animation
from Animator Vs. Animation by Alan Becker
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Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Piano Solo by Chinese Girl with Missing Fingers
A young Chinese girl plays "Souvenir D'enfance" by Richard Clayderman on the piano for a television show. Despite a disability - no fingers on her right arm, the girl plays the entire song beautifully. The description on YouTube states that she's only been playing the piano for three years, which makes this even more awesome and inspirational.
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Friday, March 4, 2011
life lessons from a blind boy
held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help."
There were only a few coins in the hat. A business man was walking by.
He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He
then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the
sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon
the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the
blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see
how things were.
The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who
changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"
The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a
different way."
I wrote, "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."
Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign
simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they
were so lucky that they were not blind.
Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
Moral of the Story:
Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think
differently and positively. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry,
show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.
Prepare for the future without fear. The most beautiful thing is to
see a person smiling... and even more beautiful, is knowing that you
are the reason behind it!
Microsoft: technically but completely useless answers
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."
Friday, February 25, 2011
funny eyebrows
milk and a half productions. Extremely funny.
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funny commercials again
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
[Jokes] A dog named Sex
He's a great pal. But he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I
would like a licence for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too. "
Then I said, "But, this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill,
we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny — I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand." I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV. He
said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal
anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married." The
judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case,
please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for
hint. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this
alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for
Sex. My case comes up Friday.
This story by humorist Morty Storm is one of the most requested jokes
shared via photocopies untill it found its way onto the worldwide web.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
[joke] diagnostic kiosk
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a
hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a print out: "You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2.Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
toilet talk
saying: "Hi, how are you'?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I
don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh... I'm like you, just travelling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"No! I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
Friday, February 11, 2011
Night Lights of the city around the world
Kathmandu
No lights at night in Kathmandu. Load shedding (also know as a rolling black out) Kathmandu and all over Nepal currently suffers from load shedding for 14 hours a day, because of the increasing demand for power with increasing population and urbanisation but stagnant infrastructure for power generation.
Monday, January 17, 2011
[joke] Puppy in heat
for a walk really bad, so she goes into the kitchen and asks mom,
"Mommy can I take the puppy for a walk, please."
Mom says: "Honey, it's not a good idea, she is in heat."
With a look of confusion mom says quickly, "Go ask your father, he is
in the garage."
So the little girl finds her dad. "Daddy, mommy says the puppy is in
heat and to ask you if I can take her for a walk."
The dad looked around, gab a rag and a gas can to put a little gas on
the rag then patted it on the puppy.
"O.k., now you can take her for a walk."
When the girl came home with no puppy the dad asked, "Where is your new puppy?"
And she answered, "She ran out of gas and the other dogs are pushing her home."
Thursday, January 6, 2011
50 Years Of Bad Sex!
He says, What was that 4?
Grandma says, That's for 50 years of bad sex.
Grampa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, & goes over & slaps Grandma upside the head.
She says, Now what's that 4?
He says, That's 4 knowing the difference!