[joke] A Horse, a Chicken & the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! 

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. 

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! 

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. 

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. 

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) ... scroll down ...





























"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

image via webwallpaper.us

Woman claims watching 3D film made her pregnant

A white American couple had a black baby. and the woman claimed she had become pregnant watching a 3D porno film. The child's father Erik Johnson, a soldier had been away for a year serving in a military base in lraq and on his return found the black baby at home.

His wife Jennifer Stewart, 38 years old, told him the baby had been conceived while she had been watching a 3D porno film.

"I see no reason not to believe her as these 3D films are very lifelike. With the technology of today everything is possible" said Erik, who registered the baby as his.

Jennifer said that she had gone to a porno cinema in New York with her girl friends. She had only gone this ame to see how a porno looked with 3D effects. The child, she claimed looked exactly like the Black male lead in the film.

"A month after watching the film I found I was pregnant. I am going to sue the cinema and the producers. Luckily my husband believes me. It could have wrecked my marriage, but he knows I am faithful to him."

NB: Check out Snopes.com to find out about the actual story. The photo of the red haired Caucasian woman and the dark-toned child were supposedly used by sensacionalista magazine without permission.

Bad Breath

Bhojpuri version of some blockbuster movie titles

TITANIC - "नौका देले धोका"
THREE IDIOTS - "तीन ठो बुड़बक"
GHAJINI - "टकला के बदला"
GLADIATOR - "पहलवान"
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - "बकरियां बोलत नाही"
BLACK HAWK DOWN - "काली चिड़िया मर गईल"
KUNG FU PANDA - "कुंगफू पाण्डे"
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - "ई न हो पाई बबुआ"
MI 2 - "हम फिर कहत रहीं...ई न हो पाई बबुआ"
MI 3 - "अबे कितनी बारी कहे बे, इ नाही हो सकत"

What will they call MI 4??

"अरे भाई हुम थक चुके है, सम्झा करो! इ नाही हो सकत"

Sorry for bad translation! :)

[joke] If you catch me, you can have me :-)

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he
ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS
PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But
desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound
weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and
when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running
shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off
after her. A few miles later, Huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the
next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs
himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promsed.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after
her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and
wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost
another 20 lbs.as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
Pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't felt this good in years". The next day there's a knock at the
door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing here
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

brain fart

Alzheimers Test

How fast can you guess these words
     
1. F_ _K
2.  PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _  _NDOM

[joke] Confucious says

"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.

Confucius say too damn much.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!

Elevator smell different to midget.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Hole happy, whole body happy.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Marriage is like game of poker.  You start with pair and end with full house.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Thank you to Gary Oaksford for this contribution.

Those who quote me are fools.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Work to become, not to acquire.

[joke] 3 men in Prison - A Rapist, A Psycho & A Gay

Rapist: If I Find a Cat here I will f**k it hard till it dies!

Psycho: Oh, Yeah! And once it's dead I will f**k it till I die!

Gay guy standing in the Corner softly says: Meeooww!

Wal Mart applicant revealed: old people rock

If you really want to know if the old man got the job :)
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/mcdonald.asp
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[Jokes] A dog named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".
He's a great pal. But he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I
would like a licence for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too. "
Then I said, "But, this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill,
we don't care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny — I have the same problem."
 One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand." I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV. He
said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal
anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had Sex before I was married." The
judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case,
please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for
hint. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this
alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for
Sex. My case comes up Friday.
This story by humorist Morty Storm is one of the most requested jokes
shared via photocopies untill it found its way onto the worldwide web.

‎50 Years Of Bad Sex!

Grampa & Grandma were sitting at the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper & proceeds 2 slap Grampa upside the head.

He says, What was that 4?

Grandma says, That's for 50 years of bad sex.

Grampa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, & goes over & slaps Grandma upside the head.

She says, Now what's that 4?

He says, That's 4 knowing the difference!

Actual court room conversations from the USA

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Top Male professions

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em".

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush and shoots twice.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

photo credit: auntie raine

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
John Mc Cain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Dick Cheney: Where's my gun?
Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

How to make your significant other happy?

How to Make a Woman Happy?
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend  2. a companion
3. a lover   4. a brother
5. a father  6. a master
7. a chef    8. an electrician
9. a carpenter 10. a plumber
11. a mechanic 12. a decorator
13. a stylist  14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer 20. a good listener
21. an organizer 22. a good father
23. very clean 24. sympathetic

[Joke] Post office interview: This is a government job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - coffee."
"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why do you want me to start here from 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point you coming in for that."
This is a government job

Leave Applications: Murder of the English Language

The Leave Applications

Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'

This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the 'mundan' ceremony of his 10 year old son:

'As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days..'

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

'As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.'

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

'As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.'

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

'Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave'

An incident of a leave letter:

'I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.'

A leave letter to the headmaster:

'As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today'

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

'As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.'

Covering note:

'I am enclosed herewith...'

Another one:

'Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..'

Actual letter written for application of leave:

'My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave'.

Letter writing:-

'I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.'

A candidate's job application:

'This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

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More Santa Banta jokes

Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

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Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have came again..

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Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV?
Santa : I was watching TV na....

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Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM

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Do you know the similarity between "Dinasaurs" & "Decent Girls"
Answer: Both dont exist on earth !!!

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When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!

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Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old

Sardarji jokes again!

Sardarji: I divorced my wife on the 1st night.
Friend: Why?
Sardarji: I saw the label on her panties, "Tested OK by Marks & Spencer".

Sardarji: Yaar my wife is very scared of water.
Friend: How did you know?
Sardarji: Twice when i got home i saw her having a bath with the security guard.

The Nurse was taking a blood sample from sardar. She held his finger
and squeezed for the blood. So the Sardar laughed.
Nurse: Why did you laugh
Sardarji: after this it is the urine test.

Husband & wife having dinner together.
Wife: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy & sad.
Husband: Ur nipples r bettr than ur sister's!

On the first night of the marraige the husband gives the wife Rs.500 and says
" I have never done this for free"
Wife returns rs.200 and says "I have not charged more than this before".

1st Sardar to 2nd Sardar- Oye, i watch ur wife and u having sex every night !!
2nd Sardar is very upset and decides to teach 1st Sardar a lesson.
Both the Sardars meeet after a week and 1st Sardar repeat the same dialogue!!
Very bluntly the 2nd Sardar replies- Oye Bewakoof.........i was not at
home for last one week!!