Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said "I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be woman.
God said, "This person will:
Gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you.
She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up.
Quick Fire
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him..... Is he still wrong?
In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God Nor Man has rested.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your penis
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before. Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture!
A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he received 100 responses. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
In any argument with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against thousands of hers!
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you." He says, "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets!
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake
Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? Because it does, alright!?!?
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
How do you keep a woman from wanting sex? Marry her.
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