A BIHARI WAS WORKING IN MUMBAI, AND DID NOT MEET HIS wife for four (4) years while his wife was in Patna ( Bihar).
At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in office stating that his wife had delivered a son.
His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this 'Happy event' happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...
The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.
The colleagues asked him, 'What name will you give to the son?'
The man explained, 'If its the second neighbour who has taken care,then the name would be 'DWIVEDI';
If it is the third neighbour then it wouldbe 'TRIVEDI',
If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be 'CHATURVEDI';
If its the fifth neighbour then it would be 'PANDEY'...
After listening to this, questions followed.
What if it is a mixture of neighbours?'Then the boy would be named 'MISHRA'...
And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be 'SHARMA'...
But what if she refuses to divulge thename of the neighbour?
Then the name of the child would be 'GUPTA'...
If she does not remember the name then? 'It is YAAD-AV'
But who knows whether the child resultedfrom a rape?Then it will be named 'DOSHI'...
Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire?Then he will be named 'JOSHI'....
And if the whole country had made effortsfor the happy arrival?....'DESHPANDEY.'
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
a great way of capturing your CH4 emissions
Point source collection of methane emissions, associated with belching in cattle.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
A Toilet Story
its a wonderful read!!
When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... Sit down ... Directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your disheveled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you more onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question Why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!
Please consider the environment before printing this note. Unless you need it for the loo.
When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more. Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... Sit down ... Directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your disheveled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself. You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you more onto the hand blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question Why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!
Please consider the environment before printing this note. Unless you need it for the loo.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
$600 rebate!
Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the
following:
''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India .
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras
and Guatemala .
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany .
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help
the
American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to
spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products
still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''
Dr Phils test
Dr. Phil's Test: Here you go. Try this!
Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on
Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this
stuff out!
Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it
only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your
friends
!
Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now--- not who you were in the past Have
pen or pencil and paper ready
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the
major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning
their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple
questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter
answers to each question.
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total.
When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send
it to the person who sent this to you.
Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on
Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this
stuff out!
Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it
only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your
friends
!
Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now--- not who you were in the past Have
pen or pencil and paper ready
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the
major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning
their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple
questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter
answers to each question.
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total.
When you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send
it to the person who sent this to you.
Ready?
Begin.
1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoo! n and early evening
c) late at night
2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly!
3. When talking to people you. .
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you sit with. ..
a) your knees bent with your l egs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) you r legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6 When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
! p;
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes!
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) Black
c) Yellow or light blue
d) Green
e) Dark blue or purple
f) White
g) Brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before
going to sleep you are...
a) stretched out on your back
b) st! retched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, sligh tly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
10. You often dream that you are.
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 ! (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9 . (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should 'handle with
care.' You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you,
but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved
with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile,
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make
decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes
chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company
because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the
center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go
to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and
understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest.
Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone
who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same
loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes
a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes
you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking an! d fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slo w and steady
plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something
impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine
everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against
it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,
someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make
the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or
anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that
don't exist. Some people think you' re boring. Only those who know
you well know tha! t you aren't.
Now forward this to others.
Regards,
X-rated riddles ( 16+ Jokes )
Q. What's a mixed feeling? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A .. They don't have balls to scratch! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!! |
__.
.
__,_._,_
Sunday, August 10, 2008
American History Mysteries
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Linc oln , was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause:
Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Linc oln , was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause:
Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Before and after marriage
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top
Friday, August 1, 2008
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