[Joke] ATM usage; different directions for men and women

Please note that the Bank of Ireland is installing a new Drive-Thru Cash Point Machine in Dublin.

Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (ie male or female), and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. DRIVE UP TO THE CASH MACHINE

2. WIND DOWN YOUR CAR WINDOW

3. INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE AND ENTER PIN

4. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED AND WITHDRAW

5. RETRIEVE CARD, CASH AND RECEIPT

6. WIND UP WINDOW

7. DRIVE OFF

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. DRIVE UP TO CASH MACHINE

2. REVERSE BACK THE REQUIRED AMOUNT TO ALIGN CAR WINDOW TO MACHINE

3. RE-START THE STALLED ENGINE

4. WIND DOWN THE WINDOW

5. FIND HANDBAG, REMOVE ALL CONTENTS ONTO PASSENGER SEAT TO LOCATE CARD

6. TURN DOWN THE RADIO

7. ATTEMPT TO INSERT CARD INTO MACHINE

8. OPEN CAR DOOR TO ALLOW EASIER ACCESS TO MACHINE DUE TO ITS EXCESSIVE DISTANCE FROM THE CAR

9. INSERT CARD

10. RE-INSERT CARD THE RIGHT WAY UP

11. RE-ENTER HANDBAG TO FIND DIARY WITH YOUR PIN WRITTEN ON BACK PAGE OF YOUR ADDRESS BOOK

12. ENTER PIN

13. PRESS CANCEL AND RE-ENTER CORRECT PIN

14. ENTER AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED

15. CHECK MAKE-UP IN REAR VIEW MIRROR

16. RETRIEVE CASH AND RECEIPT

17. EMPTY HANDBAG AGAIN TO LOCATE PURSE AND PLACE CASH INSIDE

18. PLACE RECEIPT IN BACK OF CHEQUE BOOK

19. RE-CHECK MAKE-UP AGAIN

20. DRIVE FORWARD 2 METRES

21. REVERSE BACK TO MACHINE

22. RETRIEVE CARD

23. RE-EMPTY HANDBAG, LOCATE CARD HOLDER AND PLACE CARD INTO THE SLOT PROVIDED

24. RE-START STALLED ENGINE AND PULL AWAY

25. DRIVE FOR 2 - 3 MILES ........ RELEASE HANDBRAKE

[jokes] Examination Paper on SEXISM STUDIES

Examination Paper on SEXISM STUDIES

Time allowed 3 hrs. Attempt all questions.

Section A (50%)

1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:

a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style

b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match.

2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

3. It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

or Compare and contrast video lesbians with those you have encountered in real life.

4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend.

a) White Water Shafting

b) Three Into One Will Go

c) King Dong

d) Speared by Zulu Lovers

Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic.

5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

Section B (50%)

1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match.

2. Name something a woman has invented.

3 . On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired.

4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.

5. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?"